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Roanoke Humor A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a well known Roanoke gynecologist.
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"Do you know what Im doing?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies. "Youre checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"Thats right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what Im doing now?"

"Youre checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what Im doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "Youre getting herpes and genital wartswhich is why I came here in the first place."

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- Justice Thurgood Marshall (1908-1993) US Supreme Court From a unanimous court opinion (1969)

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Anatomy of a Blow Job

The mighty women of Roanoke come forward and speak out as to the true feelings, fears, emotions, and complexities of performing oral sex.

"Ok dudes, listen up!"

  1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
  2. Extension to rule1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
  3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
  4. Extension to rule 3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
  5. My ears are NOT handles.
  6. Extension to rule 5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
  7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
  8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
  9. Extension to 8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
  10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
  11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV, etc...immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
  12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule 2 about gratitude.
  13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
  14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc...
  15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
  16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to kissit good morning".
The manly Roanoke men macho studs retaliate

  1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
  2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish
  3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
  4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
  5. If you ever tell me what to say and not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you won't have any.
  6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth and got the dick off your breath we would stick around afterward.
  7. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.
  8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
  9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
  10. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth
  11. Play with the balls, nuture the balls, LOVE - the balls
  12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
  13. Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
  14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.
  15. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
  16. If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
Leave the thinking to us, okay girls? Now go fetch me a beer...

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Can You Handle A Sexually Aggressive Woman?

Men are used to being the ones that have to initiate everything in a relationship, from making first contact to taking the lead sexually. But now we have some new rules that are coming into play that are turning the game upside down.

We are constantly bombarded by images and personalities in the media that involve sexually assertive behavior by females. Women are quickly picking up on the message that being sexually aggressive does not make them a tramp. A Search of an Internet dating site will prove it.

A lot of guys find it very strange and intimidating when they find the table's turned, even when they have been fantasizing about the scenario for years. Here are a few suggestions to make a relationship with a wild woman go a little smoother:

Understand That She Wants It All

Some men actually don't believe that there are women out there that have the same appetite for sex. It's a sad commentary on the way that our culture has progressed. Men have had it all for so long that it's hard for a woman to get them to believe that they want it all too. Yes, there are many women out there that fantasize about having sex with as many hot guys as possible and preferably with more than one stud at the same time. The sexes are not so different and yes, it is a big deal when she doesn't have an orgasm too.

Perhaps the greatest difference between men and women pleasure-wise is simply that most women do not have an orgasm from penetration, they prefer clitoral stimulation for orgasm and oral sex is #1 on their priority list. If you want to make her happy, you better make sure your tongue is in good shape.

To Masturbate is Great!

Believe it or not, for the most part masturbation is not about replacing sex. It's a precursor, it builds up sexual tension- it doesn't relieve it. It's an old dating trick to masturbate a couple of hours before sex to ensure that when you have intercourse you can last longer. It works. Coming in 5 minutes and requiring recuperation time will definitely turn off an aggressive woman. You're going to need staying power.

Communication Is More Critical Than Ever

Make sure you talk to her, ask her what she likes, what she wants to do next, and find out what she likes best. You don't have to be barking out orders like a general (unless she wants you to), and you don't have to be groveling at her feet (again, unless she wants you to), but you are in for an entirely better sexual experience if you share with each other what you like and don't like. Every woman is different and asking is the best and easiest way to find out. Don't be shy at all when it comes to asking about boundaries, a lot of women will surprise you. They want a wild time as much as you do. As well, (and probably most importantly) asking is also the most efficient method of finding out what they don't like.

Buy Some Toys

Some women are hard to please, it's a fact. There are some insatiable babes out there that will get you to fuck them so long and hard that your dick will feel like it's been slammed in a door a few hundred times and then they'll still want more. It's for these women that vibrators were invented. Get big ones, small ones, ribbed ones, double, etc. Try all kinds. If she's really wild she'll love them all and it will save you some effort and increase the intensity of every session.

Learn From The Best

When you do find a woman that is very sexually aggressive, use some of the strategies that women have used on aggressive men for centuries to heighten their sexual arousal. Think of all the things that some of your old girlfriends used to do that made you crazy and try them on your new lover. The old standbys are always good, some of them are hard to explain, but most people know what we mean.

Here's a list:
  • Be mysterious- only answer questions with indirect answers.
  • Play hard to get- but not too hard.
  • Use any excuse to touch her, without asking.
  • Stare at her when she's not looking, when she looks, look away. (Not the creepy stare but the flirty stare)
  • Make her beg for it, then when she's in bed, start begging her to do things for you.
  • Always be ready for sex, and always look your best.
If you've tried all the above advice and she's still not satisfied, don't worry about it. Some women are impossible to tame, especially the ones that have gone online to find some willing boy toys ;-) Just remember to have fun and to give her all you've got.



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Spice Up Your Sex Life

Are you in a sexual slump? Is a roll in the hay really a roll in the hay? If so, here are a few not so original ideas to put some heat between the sheets. These are some of the oldest tricks in the book- but don't let that take away from their value- their longevity just means they've stood the test of time. If you haven't done any of these, be sure to give them a try as soon as you can find a willing partner.

Role-playing

Most of us are tired of being the same people all the time. Why not try being someone else for awhile? Of course the best part of being someone else is that you get to fuck like someone else. Choose new names and stick to calling each other by them for an entire night. Although it may seem weird at first it's amazing how many people really open up and try new things as they assume a new identity. To quote one of my girlfriends (although she will remain nameless), "it's like borrowing someone else's reputation for a night and seeing how much damage you can do to it." I think that sums it up quite nicely.

A Change in Scenery

The simplest changes are often the best. Be sure to use every room in your house. As soon as your hiding places get routine you'll have to move it to the garage, the RV, the car, the office, and if you really want to get daring go for the sneaky public romps: the beach, a local park, a theatre, a furniture store, and anywhere else two people with no underwear can set a speed record for a quickie.

Code words

We live in an extremely politically correct world. We always have to say and do things to make sure we don't offend anyone. We are constantly bombarded with campaigns in the media that promote, "No means No" and the idea of asking for every sexual advance before proceeding. Repeating the "can I touch you here?" level intensity question as many times as our politically correct world demands can get quite monotonous and take the element of "being bad" out of a sexual encounter.

Code words or phrases that are made up with a partner can replace level intensity questions. You can make these up as you go along but phrases that normally describe a non-sexual activity are fun to encode. For example, "Can I play in your sandbox?" can replace "can I touch your pussy?"

Blindfolds

Being blindfolded can really heighten a sensual experience. Any cloth will do, but the best are travel sleepers (night masks) that are found in any luggage store. They're molded to wrap around your nose and block out all light without putting pressure on your eyeballs.

Handcuffs and Ropes

There's nothing better than being completely at your partner's mercy and receiving nothing but pleasure. Fuzzy handcuffs or ropes from the local sex shop are best, but a scarf or the drawstring of a housecoat works just as well.

Vibrators and dildos

The classics. There are thousands types to choose from and they make a wonderful addition to a couple's sexual experience, for both the man and the woman. There are no limits on size for a dildo or vibrator intended for vaginal insertion, it's a myth that a woman will lose her tightness if she uses a dildo bigger than her man's penis. A size and shape that looks and feels comfortable is best. Make sure that if it's small enough to go all the way in that it's attached to a string so it can't get stuck. Any object intended for anal insertion does have some size restrictions and it must be flexible. The colon has a limited length and an anal probe that is too long or hard can do damage.

Edible, glow in the dark oils

They glow, they taste like fruit, and sex can't be boring with glowing happy faces painted on her nipples. This stuff can be purchased at any local sex store.

Ice cubes and Popsicles

A great way to make goose bumps. Popsicles make for a wonderfully sticky night. Watch out for frostbite and any excess sugar is best washed off in a bath (it can promote yeast infections).

What's in your kitchen?

Melted chocolate, whipped cream, peanut butter, and liqueurs are all popular. Chocolate bars melt nicely after a few seconds in the microwave; whipped cream goes well on anything; and liqueurs are meant to be tasted on the tip of your tongue.

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Weird And Funky Spunky Wild Sex Facts

So, You Want Her To Swallow? Semen tastes sweeter if you haven't been eating meat. It's also an old wives tale that eating pineapple makes it taste really good.

An Amazing Organ The vagina is self-cleaning, kind of like the oven. Is that were the term "one in the oven" comes from?.

Production Far Exceeds Demand

A healthy male's ejaculate contains over 200 million sperm. If every one of these were able to find an egg, the average guy could easily fertilize 5 billion eggs in less than two weeks (this would double the current population of the earth).

Of course, the time required would vary slightly between individuals and be affected by environmental factors like diet and the availability of porn.

The Best Cure For A Headache

A female orgasm releases endorphins (chemicals released in the brain that give us pleasure) and these are powerful painkillers. Having a headache is a reason to have sex, not to abstain from it.

So You Think You're The Father

The more recent Kinsey studies that included genetic testing found one in ten children in America is mistaken about their father's identity.

Also, a British study found that a woman is more likely to become pregnant with a lover rather than her husband, when she's been having sex with both in a given time period and even having sex with her husband more often.

How Many Of Us Are Cheaters?

The results of sex polls are generally inconsistent, but the range of inconsistency on infidelity questionnaires is especially high.

The results of the various Kinsey polls over the last 50 years asking if a person has committed at least one act of extramarital sex have revealed numbers as low as 15% and as high as 65% - and are as inconsistent in the 1950's as they are in the 1990's.

Most Polls show a higher percentage of male infidelity, but some reveal an even percentage, suggesting women are just as likely to cheat. One thing is certain- there are a lot of liars and unfaithful spouses out there.

Is It As Long As A Baby's Arm?

The average erect penis is six inches in length, although flaccid measurements vary considerably.

The New Way To Hook Up and Fall in Love

Computers have made it easier to get laid. There is an Internet dating site, boasting over 10 million registered members. Currently 18,000 new people a day join to find someone for a casual affair.



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