Fleeting Humorous One Liners
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.
What is the similarity between a woman and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you!
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.
What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin!
Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!
What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)
What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!
What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to
the other, "Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced?"
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How to Speak About Women and Be Politically Correct
1. She is not a Babe or a Chick - She is a Breasted American.
2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner - She is Vocally Appreciative.
3. She is not Easy - She is Horizontally Accessible.
4. She does not Tease or Flirt - She engages in Artificial Stimulation.
5. She is not Dumb - She is a Detour Off The Information Superhighway.
6. She has not Been Around - She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion.
7. She does not Get You Excited - She causes Temporary Blood Displacement.
8. She is not Kinky - She is a Creative Caretaker.
9. She does not have a Killer Body - She is Terminally Attactive.
10. She is not an Airhead - She is Reality Impaired.
11. She does not get Drunk or Tipsy - She gets Chemically Inconvenienced.
12. She is not Horny - She is Sexually Focused.
13. She does not have Breast Implants - She is Medically Enhanced.
14. She does not Nag You - She becomes Verbally Repetitive.
15. She is not a Slut - She is Sexually Extroverted.
16. She does not have Major League Hooters - She is Pectorally Superior.
17. She is not a Two Bit Whore - She is a Low Cost Provider.
Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
~~~~~~~~~~
Moods of a Man
Horny.
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